I can’t believe school is starting again, and as a Couples Therapist in Carson City NV, I’m dreading it.
Not because my kids still join the rank and file of grieving the loss of summer to go back to their elementary or high school. Not because time spent outdoors in days that feel endlessly warm, inviting, and lazy are giving way to early mornings, lunches, and afternoons at Target; and not because my kids will be overwhelmed with the adjustment.
What I’m dreading is teachers, who truly enjoy teaching and watching their material turn into the spark in their student’s eyes, get to enjoy that less and less. More and more they report feeling like social workers and babysitters, and with 30-35 kids per classroom they report teaching, on average, 20 short minutes in a one hour class period. I’m dreading parents who do everything right to get their kid to a “good school”, to provide them with everything they need to learn for the day, finding out that their kid knows the subject but doesn’t do the homework, resulting in a grade that neither the parent or the teen understand (parent) or feel motivated to change (student). And most of all, I’m dreading the student who feels hopeful that this year will be better than last year, for so many valid reasons, and this year is not only worse than last year, it’s much, much worse.
I remember parents and their 15 year old son sitting with me; the parents with tears in their eyes and their son stony faced, trying to piece together what their son needed. Because he was a polite and well spoken person and he loved and admired his hard working, caring parents, he was trying to reassure them. But because he was overwhelmed and bored at the same time by his classes, he was checked out during school. Because he was shy and intimidated by the teacher, he couldn’t imaging saying “Hey, I totally don’t understand anything you’re saying”. He was sleeping, or on his phone, or flicking candy across the room at other students. He didn’t (yet) have the words to explain that to his parents.
I heard from the family last month; this 15 year old is about to graduate. Not with all A’s, but with an increased sense of pride and accomplishment that he made it to senior year.
What’s going on here??
The Disengaged Teen: Helping Kids Learn Better, Feel Better, and Live Better by Jenny Anderson and Rebecca Winthrop takes a bold and assertive stance on how to understand this trend. Here’s a short summary of the main premise the book outlines to help parents respond to a changing academic world.
What Disengages Teens and Why We Need Better Support for Teens Failing in School
Adolescents are naturally curious—but many lose that spark as school becomes overscheduled, high-pressure, and emotionally draining. The authors of The Disengaged Teen highlight an alarming trend: today’s students are often simultaneously bored and overwhelmed, fueling a mounting mental health crisis. Many parents feel powerless to intervene, even when they desperately want to help.
A landmark survey of over 65,000 students revealed that while 74% of third-graders say they love school, by tenth grade that number plummets to just 26%, even though 65% of parents believe their teens still love it. This gap shows how easily teens can slide into “Passenger Mode”—coasting through school without true investment. Outdated, test-heavy systems only add to the problem, stifling curiosity and making school feel irrelevant—especially in our fast-changing, AI-driven world.
Four Ways Teens Engage (or Disengage) With Learning
In The Disengaged Teen, Anderson and Winthrop describe four distinct “learning modes” that influence how teens relate to school—and what kind of support for teens failing in school they might need:
-
Resister – Feels invisible or inadequate; may skip class, act out, or refuse homework.
-
Passenger – Does the bare minimum; sees school as “pointless” and disengages emotionally.
-
Achiever – Performs well but ties self-worth to grades; may hide anxiety or perfectionism.
-
Explorer – Learns out of curiosity and pursues goals that matter personally.
Identifying your teen’s mode can be the first step toward finding effective, targeted support.
How Parents Can Help Teens Reconnect With Learning
The authors emphasize that parents have more influence than they may realize. To provide effective support for teens failing in school, they suggest:
-
Tailor your approach to your teen’s mode. Adjust your communication and expectations to meet your teen where they are.
-
Build emotional and cognitive connections. Show how school subjects connect to your teen’s real life, interests, or future goals.
-
Promote autonomy with guidance. Replace constant nagging with guiding questions like, “What’s your plan?” or “What might you try next?”
-
Model lifelong learning. Share your own learning challenges and successes so your teen sees education as more than just grades.
Is your teen struggling? Are you concerned your teen might fail in school? Family therapy offers a space where you and your teen can strengthen your bond, rebuild trust, and work as a team. When you can emotionally reach your teen, you can create a personalized plan that reflects your teen’s unique strengths, needs, and goals—so the responsibility for their success no longer falls entirely on the school. The right support can turn school stress into an opportunity for connection, growth, and lasting change.
If you like this information and would like more support, here’s another blog I wrote addressing this topic:
How to Parent When Your Teenager Is Failing School: A Therapist’s Guide
Here’s the link to Amazon for this valuable book: The Disengaged Teen; How to help Kids Learn Better, Feel Better and Live Better