Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

You’ve been wondering how to do it- how to really be heard by your partner. It’s the one thing that seems to trip both of you up. “How can I possibly say this any differently?” “Why does he look at me like that when I start talking about (work, cleaning the bathroom, picking up the kids, your mother, my father, budgeting, taking the car in……)?”  “All I said was________”.

You feel stuck in an endless loop of misunderstanding, and it feels harder and harder to communicate, even about the most basic things. The he truth is, this can really painful; if we can’t reach and connect deeply to our partner and sweetheart we can feel alone, like we don’t matter, or aren’t a priority to the person we have fully committed our life and future to and with. This can lead to feeling sad, low energy, frustrated, or to using impulsive or poorly thought out strategies for connection.

Couples don’t want to feel like they are constantly disappointing each other. Partners feel frustrated and disconnected when their conversations, even about seemingly trivial things consist of the same tone of voice, same awkward pauses, same tension, same argument…same, same, same. When we feel misunderstood or misheard, we also tend to raise our voice or use our body language in a more assertive (potentially leading to more aggressive) stance and we use “secondary strategies” for connecting.

Secondary strategies communicate our hurt while at the same time keeping us protected from vulnerability. We feel too exposed, so we find a safer emotional space behind the walls of blame, criticism, dismissiveness, anger, or inappropriate joking, to name only a handful. We repeat ourselves, we try to shut our need for connection off, we walk away hurt and angry, or we blame ourselves or our partner.  We can’t help it! Our nervous system is primed to react when we don’t regularly experience a loving connection with someone we are highly dependent on.

Attachment is something we humans have, literally, trillions of neurons devoted to creating and maintaining, and for good reason- when we perceive security and safety with another human being, then and ONLY then can we feel confident, comfortable, more willing to try new things, and more in control in our lives.

How to stop the cycle of poor communication

Use these 5 steps to recognize a negative communication cycle and slow it down:

  1. Recognize it. You AND your partner are both stuck. It’s not your fault, and it happens to ALL couples. Yep I mean ALL! At times, our best intentions for connecting are expressed using secondary strategies. Let’s face it, it is VULNERABLE to be in a fully committed relationship! Stress, conflict, fatigue, burnout, or competing needs all contribute to trying to protect ourselves.
  2. Pick a recent annoying exchange and see if you can find the protective strategies you used. Was it blame? Criticism? Raised voice? Teasing? Unfair accusations?
  3. What do each of you tend to DO when you are using a secondary strategy? Do you ice each other out for a few days? Does one of you leave and the other tries to keep you there? Do you complain about each other here and there to the kids?
  4. How did you FEEL about yourself and your partner when you used one of your secondary strategies? Tell each other.
  5. The next time you see and feel yourself getting caught in a negative communication style- NAME IT. “Oops…here we go again. I am angry about____________, and when I get angry I can see you getting ready to go to the bedroom to get away from me. We are really caught up in this cycle.” Naming the cycle helps you slow it down and reduce blaming each other. Blame the cycle, not your partner!

 

Is any of this ringing a bell for you? You don’t have to do it alone. Stay tuned for more thoughtful conversations about love, security, bonding, communicating, and feeling really joyful in your relationship. Reach out to www.restoringrelationships.today if you want to talk about couples therapy in a 20 minute free consultation.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one.

Communicate

Communicate

As an entrepreneur, one of the most important aspects of my venture is the emphasis on “My Business Local”. The concept of local business is not only about the physical location or geographical boundaries, but it’s also about the community that I serve and the relationships that I build within that community. My Business Local is an ethos, a strategy, and a mission statement rolled into one. Restoring relationships
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